it's quiet Carruthers.... too quiet

[Tony and Sandra Smith]

The guy who invented predictive text died yesterday- his funfair is next monkey.

[Barny]

Love it!

My sister-in-law bought my wife a tin of Cadbury's Heroes for her birthday, so I nipped over to pick them up.

 I sent my wife a text to let her know I had collected them, and when I got home I found all my clothes dumped out on the street.

 Turns out I sent her a message that read, "Got the Herpes from your sister".

[Ploppy]

Two men are walking down the road and they come across a dog licking its privates.

'My god, I wish I could do that' says one man to the other.

'I think you'd better try stroking him first to check he doesn't bite' his friend replies.

[JBMouse]

Ooooh you are awful........but I love it!

[Barny]

I've just deleted all the German names off of my phone,
 now it's Hans free.

[Richard]

Terrible... Keep 'em coming!

[Tony and Sandra Smith]

The guy that invented the USB stick was buried today. They had to take his coffin out, turn it round, and put it back in again.

[Tony and Sandra Smith]

What do we want ?
More racing car noises.
When do we want them?
Neoooooooooowwwwwwww

[Barny]

A famed cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

 As a special remembrance of his life's work, a huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside the beautiful heart forever.

 At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral..... I'm a gynaecologist."

 That's when the proctologist fainted.

[Tony and Sandra Smith]

How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb?

 The correct term is 'replace', actually.

[Barny]

I went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles. She asked: "Hardback?" and I was like: "Yeah, and little heads."

[Tony and Sandra Smith]

My colleague is unable to attend the Innuendo Seminar next week - so I'll be filling her slot instead.

[Tony and Sandra Smith]

Went to an Indian restaurant and ordered a chicken tarka but the waiter said he hadn't heard of it, I explained "it's similar to a tikka, but just a wee bit otter"

[Tony and Sandra Smith]

A bloke said to me 'I'm going to cut off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in the library'[/size]I thought 'that's a turn up for the books'

[Barny]

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."