Author Topic: it's quiet Carruthers.... too quiet  (Read 116411 times)

Offline Tony and Sandra Smith

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Re: it's quiet Carruthers.... too quiet
« Reply #735 on: January 28, 2016, 09:16:50 AM »
The guy who invented predictive text died yesterday- his funfair is next monkey.
Tony


With thanks to Ueuecoyotl, the Aztec God of Sex and Irresponsible Merrymaking (I've found my deity!!)

Offline Barny

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Re: it's quiet Carruthers.... too quiet
« Reply #736 on: January 28, 2016, 10:42:39 AM »
Love it!

My sister-in-law bought my wife a tin of Cadbury's Heroes for her birthday, so I nipped over to pick them up.

 I sent my wife a text to let her know I had collected them, and when I got home I found all my clothes dumped out on the street.

 Turns out I sent her a message that read, "Got the Herpes from your sister".
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Offline Ploppy

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Re: it's quiet Carruthers.... too quiet
« Reply #737 on: January 28, 2016, 10:58:45 AM »
Two men are walking down the road and they come across a dog licking its privates.

'My god, I wish I could do that' says one man to the other.

'I think you'd better try stroking him first to check he doesn't bite' his friend replies.

Offline JBMouse

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Re: it's quiet Carruthers.... too quiet
« Reply #738 on: January 28, 2016, 11:35:37 AM »
Ooooh you are awful........but I love it!

Offline Barny

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Re: it's quiet Carruthers.... too quiet
« Reply #739 on: January 28, 2016, 02:36:46 PM »
I've just deleted all the German names off of my phone,
 now it's Hans free.
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Offline Richard

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Re: it's quiet Carruthers.... too quiet
« Reply #740 on: January 28, 2016, 09:12:26 PM »
Terrible... Keep 'em coming!

Offline Tony and Sandra Smith

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Re: it's quiet Carruthers.... too quiet
« Reply #741 on: January 29, 2016, 08:24:19 AM »
The guy that invented the USB stick was buried today. They had to take his coffin out, turn it round, and put it back in again.
Tony


With thanks to Ueuecoyotl, the Aztec God of Sex and Irresponsible Merrymaking (I've found my deity!!)

Offline Tony and Sandra Smith

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Re: it's quiet Carruthers.... too quiet
« Reply #742 on: January 29, 2016, 08:56:29 AM »
What do we want ?
More racing car noises.
When do we want them?
Neoooooooooowwwwwwww
Tony


With thanks to Ueuecoyotl, the Aztec God of Sex and Irresponsible Merrymaking (I've found my deity!!)

Offline Barny

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Re: it's quiet Carruthers.... too quiet
« Reply #743 on: January 29, 2016, 09:53:31 AM »
A famed cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

 As a special remembrance of his life's work, a huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside the beautiful heart forever.

 At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral..... I'm a gynaecologist."

 That's when the proctologist fainted.
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Offline Tony and Sandra Smith

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Re: it's quiet Carruthers.... too quiet
« Reply #744 on: January 29, 2016, 10:35:48 AM »
How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb?

 The correct term is 'replace', actually.
Tony


With thanks to Ueuecoyotl, the Aztec God of Sex and Irresponsible Merrymaking (I've found my deity!!)

Offline Barny

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Re: it's quiet Carruthers.... too quiet
« Reply #745 on: January 29, 2016, 11:55:18 AM »
I went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles. She asked: "Hardback?" and I was like: "Yeah, and little heads."
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Offline Tony and Sandra Smith

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Re: it's quiet Carruthers.... too quiet
« Reply #746 on: January 29, 2016, 02:38:52 PM »
My colleague is unable to attend the Innuendo Seminar next week - so I'll be filling her slot instead.
Tony


With thanks to Ueuecoyotl, the Aztec God of Sex and Irresponsible Merrymaking (I've found my deity!!)

Offline Tony and Sandra Smith

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Re: it's quiet Carruthers.... too quiet
« Reply #747 on: January 29, 2016, 02:42:53 PM »
Went to an Indian restaurant and ordered a chicken tarka but the waiter said he hadn't heard of it, I explained "it's similar to a tikka, but just a wee bit otter"
Tony


With thanks to Ueuecoyotl, the Aztec God of Sex and Irresponsible Merrymaking (I've found my deity!!)

Offline Tony and Sandra Smith

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Re: it's quiet Carruthers.... too quiet
« Reply #748 on: February 14, 2016, 08:58:35 PM »
A bloke said to me 'I'm going to cut off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in the library'[/size]I thought 'that's a turn up for the books'
Tony


With thanks to Ueuecoyotl, the Aztec God of Sex and Irresponsible Merrymaking (I've found my deity!!)

Offline Barny

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Re: it's quiet Carruthers.... too quiet
« Reply #749 on: February 15, 2016, 09:10:46 AM »
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
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