laugh?

[Tony and Sandra Smith]

Centuries ago, the pope decreed that Jews in Italy had to convert or leave. There was an outcry from the Jewish community, so the pope offered a deal: He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the pope won, they would have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people picked an aged, wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The pope raised three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that the pope stood and declared that he was beaten. The rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay.

Later the cardinals met with the pope and asked him what had happened.

The pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and water, to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had beaten me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he had won.

"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

[Barny]

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

God replied, “Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!  I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.  Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, “God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[Rowena & Carl]

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!  I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.  Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"


Funny!!

[Barny]

Three men got married, the first man married a woman from Dorset.  He told her that she was to do the dishes and clean the house.  It took a couple of days, but by the third day he came home to find a clean home and the dishes put away.

The second man married a woman from Derbyshire.  He told his wife that she was to wash the dishes, clean the house and do the cooking.  The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day things were a bit better and by the third day the dishes were done, the house was clean and there was a huge dinner waiting for him.

The third man married a woman from Yorkshire.  He told her to keep the house clean, wash the dishes, mow the lawn and keep up with the laundry.  The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down, he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm had healed enough that he could make a sandwich and load the dishwasher.  However, he still has some difficulty when he pees!!!!

[Tony and Sandra Smith]

A father went to the local store to purchase a present for his young daughter.

He discovered that in the Toy Shop....

The Astronaut Barbie is priced at £19.95 and
amazingly the Divorced Barbie costs £265.95!!

Rather shocked he asks the Sales Assistant,

"Why is the Divorced Barbie £265.95 and the other one is only £19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolled her eyes, sighed, and answered,
"Sir..,
Divorced Barbie comes with..... Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer,and one of Ken's Friends!!"

[Tony and Sandra Smith]

Top tip: Look like you are buying a womble costume in installments simply by buying Ugg Boots.

[Barny]

A vampire bat came in from the night, face all covered in
fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.. "OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest..
Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around
him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I fxxxxxg didn't."

[Barny]

Cant we put photos on anymore?

[Barny]

     2 Parrots sit on a perch. One says to the other 'Can you smell fish'?

[George]

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour until I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything -KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot!!!
george...

[George]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word
he made contact, "Mary. Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the
golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, And then I have sex twice more.
I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much
all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late
at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."

george...

[Barny]

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

[Barny]

COPPER WIRE

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, the state's Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia , reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia 's Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f**k all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be Australian.