Plakias Forums
Ostraco's Bar => Gossip => Topic started by: Barny on June 03, 2011, 11:56:01 AM
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Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
Sorry,
Barny.
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A woman is sitting on the veranda of her apartment in Plakias (had to make it topical! ) with her husband, having a glass of wine.
The woman says, “I love you”.
The husband asks, “is that you or the wine talking?”
She replies, “It’s me……talking to the wine”.
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The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Strewth, talk about Dyson with death.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes
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Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
Sorry,
Barny.
Oh dear, oh dear...you should indeed be sorry!
Rog
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A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by..
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
double sorry,
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Bloke from Barnsley with a sore bum asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
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A Yorkshireman's wife dies, and after she is buried, he goes to see the monumental mason to order a headstone for her grave. He instructs the mason to engrave the headstone with the inscription, SHE WAS THINE.
When informed that the work had been completed, the Yorkshireman goes to inspect the headstone, and finds that the mason had engraved SHE WAS THIN.
Furious, he goes to remonstrate with the mason, "You've missed out the E!" The mason apologises, and promises to correct the error.
After the correction had been made, the Yorkshireman again goes to inspect the headstone to find that the inscription now read E SHE WAS THIN.
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A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when
he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning
from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for
everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given
birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25
pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's
about average in Yorkshire... like I said, my boy's a
typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.'
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid
many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually
fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender
says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in
two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'
The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little
suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25
pounds the day he was born!'
The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender
and proudly says,
'Had him circumcised...'
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Brilliant!! Thats no skin off my nose!!
Barny.
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A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral
by the hospital he worked for most of his life...A huge heart... covered in
flowers stood behind the casket. The doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared
at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I am a gynecologist! '
Everyone laughed.
And it was then that the proctologist fainted!
Sorry!
Barny.
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A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral
by the hospital he worked for most of his life...A huge heart... covered in
flowers stood behind the casket. The doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared
at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I am a gynecologist! '
Everyone laughed.
And it was then that the proctologist fainted!
Sorry!
Barny.
Brilliant!
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Proctologist? (It's not in my dictionary.)
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Proctologist? (It's not in my dictionary.)
A proctologist is a doctor who specialises in the rectum !!!
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Bit of a bum joke i suppose?
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Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were swimming around, One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin began to realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a drink..
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. 'Where's Christian?' he asked. 'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........
(You're going to love this................................)
.
'I've found Cod.
I'm a Prawn again, Christian'
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Centuries ago, the pope decreed that Jews in Italy had to convert or leave. There was an outcry from the Jewish community, so the pope offered a deal: He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the pope won, they would have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people picked an aged, wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day the pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.
The pope raised three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that the pope stood and declared that he was beaten. The rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay.
Later the cardinals met with the pope and asked him what had happened.
The pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and water, to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had beaten me at every move and I could not continue."
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he had won.
"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him that we were staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."
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A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”
The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”
God replied, “Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, “God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Funny!!
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Three men got married, the first man married a woman from Dorset. He told her that she was to do the dishes and clean the house. It took a couple of days, but by the third day he came home to find a clean home and the dishes put away.
The second man married a woman from Derbyshire. He told his wife that she was to wash the dishes, clean the house and do the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day things were a bit better and by the third day the dishes were done, the house was clean and there was a huge dinner waiting for him.
The third man married a woman from Yorkshire. He told her to keep the house clean, wash the dishes, mow the lawn and keep up with the laundry. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down, he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm had healed enough that he could make a sandwich and load the dishwasher. However, he still has some difficulty when he pees!!!!
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A father went to the local store to purchase a present for his young daughter.
He discovered that in the Toy Shop....
The Astronaut Barbie is priced at £19.95 and
amazingly the Divorced Barbie costs £265.95!!
Rather shocked he asks the Sales Assistant,
"Why is the Divorced Barbie £265.95 and the other one is only £19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolled her eyes, sighed, and answered,
"Sir..,
Divorced Barbie comes with..... Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer,and one of Ken's Friends!!"
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Top tip: Look like you are buying a womble costume in installments simply by buying Ugg Boots.
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A vampire bat came in from the night, face all covered in
fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.. "OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest..
Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around
him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I fxxxxxg didn't."
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Cant we put photos on anymore?
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2 Parrots sit on a perch. One says to the other 'Can you smell fish'?
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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour until I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything -KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot!!!
george...
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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word
he made contact, "Mary. Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the
golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, And then I have sex twice more.
I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much
all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late
at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."
george...
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
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COPPER WIRE
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, the state's Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia , reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia 's Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f**k all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be Australian.