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Author Topic: Not much going on.....  (Read 739 times)

Offline Barny

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Not much going on.....
« on: December 14, 2016, 02:50:04 PM »
It's all very quiet, has anyone a tale to tell that we would find amusing?
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Offline Tony and Sandra Smith

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Re: Not much going on.....
« Reply #1 on: December 14, 2016, 03:47:10 PM »
I've just invented a new word:



 "Plagiarism"


Tony


With thanks to Ueuecoyotl, the Aztec God of Sex and Irresponsible Merrymaking (I've found my deity!!)

Offline Tony and Sandra Smith

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Re: Not much going on.....
« Reply #2 on: December 14, 2016, 03:50:04 PM »
My colleague is unable to attend the Innuendo Seminar next week - so I'll be filling her slot instead.
Tony


With thanks to Ueuecoyotl, the Aztec God of Sex and Irresponsible Merrymaking (I've found my deity!!)

Offline Tony and Sandra Smith

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Re: Not much going on.....
« Reply #3 on: December 14, 2016, 03:58:12 PM »
Went to an Indian restaurant and ordered a chicken tarka but the waiter said he hadn't heard of it, I explained "it's similar to a tikka, but just a wee bit otter"
Tony


With thanks to Ueuecoyotl, the Aztec God of Sex and Irresponsible Merrymaking (I've found my deity!!)

Offline JackieatUrbanAgenda

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Re: Not much going on.....
« Reply #4 on: December 14, 2016, 11:16:59 PM »
How do you tell the difference between a stoat and a weasel ? One's weasily recognised the other's stoat-ally different ! Blame Arthur Askey for that one !

Offline Barny

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Re: Not much going on.....
« Reply #5 on: December 15, 2016, 07:45:28 AM »
What is the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
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Offline Barny

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Re: Not much going on.....
« Reply #6 on: December 15, 2016, 08:05:15 AM »
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
 
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.
 
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
 
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. 
 
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
 
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
 
Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we  go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have  chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,
Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.   
 
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Offline daza

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Re: Not much going on.....
« Reply #7 on: December 15, 2016, 10:12:30 AM »
You can't wash your "gloves" in a buffalo - (try the bidet for the contents - its a lot easier!)

Offline Tony and Sandra Smith

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Re: Not much going on.....
« Reply #8 on: December 15, 2016, 10:19:00 AM »
Centuries ago, the pope decreed that Jews in Italy had to convert or leave. There was an outcry from the Jewish community, so the pope offered a deal: He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the pope won, they would have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people picked an aged, wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The pope raised three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that the pope stood and declared that he was beaten. The rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay.

Later the cardinals met with the pope and asked him what had happened.

The pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and water, to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had beaten me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he had won.

"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."
Tony


With thanks to Ueuecoyotl, the Aztec God of Sex and Irresponsible Merrymaking (I've found my deity!!)