Author Topic: laugh?  (Read 10563 times)

Offline Barny

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« on: June 03, 2011, 11:56:01 AM »
Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."


               Sorry,

                Barny.
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Offline Tony and Sandra Smith

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« Reply #1 on: June 03, 2011, 01:57:33 PM »
A woman is sitting on the veranda of her apartment in Plakias (had to make it topical!  ) with her husband, having a glass of wine.

The woman says, “I love you”.

The husband asks, “is that you or the wine talking?”

She replies, “It’s me……talking to the wine”.
Tony


With thanks to Ueuecoyotl, the Aztec God of Sex and Irresponsible Merrymaking (I've found my deity!!)

Offline jann

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« Reply #2 on: June 04, 2011, 03:16:51 PM »
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Strewth, talk about Dyson with death.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes

 

Offline Rogataber

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« Reply #3 on: June 04, 2011, 09:01:59 PM »
Quote from: Barny
Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."


               Sorry,

                Barny.

Oh dear, oh dear...you should indeed be sorry!

Rog

Offline Barny

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« Reply #4 on: June 05, 2011, 10:40:39 AM »



A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by..
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

         double sorry,
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Offline Tony and Sandra Smith

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« Reply #5 on: June 06, 2011, 08:24:07 AM »
Bloke from Barnsley with a sore bum asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
Tony


With thanks to Ueuecoyotl, the Aztec God of Sex and Irresponsible Merrymaking (I've found my deity!!)

Offline Noopsy

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« Reply #6 on: June 07, 2011, 06:42:32 PM »
A Yorkshireman's wife dies, and after she is buried, he goes to see the monumental mason to order a headstone for her grave.  He instructs the mason to engrave the headstone with the inscription, SHE WAS THINE.

When informed that the work had been completed, the Yorkshireman goes to inspect the headstone, and finds that the mason had engraved SHE WAS THIN.

Furious, he goes to remonstrate with the mason, "You've missed out the E!"  The mason apologises, and promises to correct the error.

After the correction had been made, the Yorkshireman again goes to inspect the headstone to find that the inscription now read E SHE WAS THIN.
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Offline Tony and Sandra Smith

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« Reply #7 on: June 29, 2011, 04:56:39 PM »
A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when
he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning
from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for
everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given
birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25
pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's
about average in Yorkshire... like I said, my boy's a
typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.'
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid
many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually
fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender
says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in
two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'


The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little
suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25
pounds the day he was born!'

The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender
and proudly says,





'Had him circumcised...'
Tony


With thanks to Ueuecoyotl, the Aztec God of Sex and Irresponsible Merrymaking (I've found my deity!!)

Offline Barny

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« Reply #8 on: June 29, 2011, 07:15:38 PM »
Brilliant!!   Thats no skin off  my nose!!

                   Barny.
« Last Edit: June 29, 2011, 07:16:15 PM by Barny »
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Offline Barny

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« Reply #9 on: July 03, 2011, 10:54:36 AM »

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral
by the hospital he worked for most of his life...A huge heart... covered in
flowers stood behind the casket. The doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared
at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I am a gynecologist! '
Everyone laughed.
And it was then that the proctologist fainted!


                 Sorry!

                        Barny.


 

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Offline jann

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« Reply #10 on: July 03, 2011, 11:55:45 AM »
Quote from: Barny
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral
by the hospital he worked for most of his life...A huge heart... covered in
flowers stood behind the casket. The doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared
at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I am a gynecologist! '
Everyone laughed.
And it was then that the proctologist fainted!


                 Sorry!

                        Barny.
 

Brilliant!        

Offline Noopsy

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« Reply #11 on: July 05, 2011, 01:53:13 PM »
Proctologist?  (It's not in my dictionary.)
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Offline jann

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« Reply #12 on: July 05, 2011, 06:03:33 PM »
Quote from: Noopsy 500
Proctologist?  (It's not in my dictionary.)

A proctologist is a doctor who specialises in the rectum !!!

Offline Barny

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« Reply #13 on: July 05, 2011, 08:26:19 PM »
Bit of a bum joke i suppose?
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Offline Barny

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« Reply #14 on: July 08, 2011, 01:17:23 PM »
Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were swimming around, One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.
 A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin began to realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
 While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a drink..
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. 'Where's Christian?' he asked. 'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........

(You're going to love this................................)
.


'I've found Cod.
I'm a Prawn again, Christian'
 
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